


Lazy Encounters at The Mocktail Spritz

by SynapticFirefly



Category: Codename: Kids Next Door
Genre: Drabble Collection, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Friendship / Flirting / Thinking of You Fest, Gen, Soft Drinks, Walk Into A Bar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-23
Updated: 2014-10-22
Packaged: 2018-02-22 06:23:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2497787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SynapticFirefly/pseuds/SynapticFirefly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's tradition for both commanders of KND's greatest treehouses to hang out at The Mocktail Spritz, a private soda bar designated for only the top brass, and talk nonsense to each other. (Light 60/362 ship teasing, but mainly harmless chatter.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Apfelschorle with Apple Garnish

**Author's Note:**

> This is labeled as completed because this is not a multi-chapter but a collection of one-shots.
> 
> For Prettywitchiusaka, wherever you are you 60/362 flag waver you!

_Jimmy's Soda Bar_ was relatively famous for operatives and often pretty packed. The atmosphere was always an ignition of commotion and banter.

According to the _Book of KND_ , there was a heightened need to regulate the flow of distributing soda and other fizzy contraband back in the 1920's so, while _Jimmy's_ opened up to appease the common operative, the Supreme Leader at the time carefully constructed his own secret bar nestled in the deep roots of Moonbase.

It was originally used for sector leaders and the high chain of command to quietly discuss working around the Prohibition and other top secret info. Over the years, the bar became less of a storage hub filled with contraband spritzy hooch and more sophisticated, catering for image and atmosphere of tranquility for higher ups once the Prohibition was overturned, if not for a small while.

Patton had been privy to the bar's location ever since he was promoted to Supreme Drill Sergeant. So far he's never seen more than four people at a time in this dark and quiet bar.

He liked it. It was comforting. _Safe_.

He used to just sit at the bar and drink, but he became fond of the small booths for a particular reason. While he sipped his soda, he occasionally watched the tea candle float on top of a small disk of water. There was one on every table, always lit and clean. Unlike the rest of Moonbase where cleaning was minimal (see annotation about kids running this shindig), here in this bar it was always pristine and perfect.

Sometimes he would blow out the candle and find himself in his own little dark corner if he didn't want any company. He supposed that was point of having candles be the only light source.

This time he kept it lit and watched his Supreme Leader slip into the opposite side. Sometimes, if she sat in a particular spot, the light of the candle made her smile seem unnaturally brighter.

"What are we having today?" she smiled at him.

He tilted his glass near the candlelight so she can view the warm brown apple beer bubbling pleasantly. As per tradition, she reached for the apple slice attached to the rim of his glass. He wasn't much of a garnish fan in his drinks. "Felt like having the German fizz today. Ever heard of _Apfelschorle_?"

She experimentally sucked on the slice, tasting the drink first before deliberating. "Yum," she bit the slice in half. "I'll get an order of that then." The bartender nodded when she addressed him and quietly got to work.

It was obvious he didn't feel like initiating small talk, so as bright as a beacon she was, she did the talking. "You're usually at _Jimmy's_ around this time. What brings you to _The Mocktail Spritz_?"

He made sure he smiled a bit so she didn't take the bite of his retort the wrong way. "What brings _you_?"

"Nuh-uh. I said it first."

There were only three people in the entire bar. Them and the bartender who quietly worked on cleaning glasses like they were his pride and joy. Still, it was a habit for him to keep his voice down while conversing on Moonbase. The last time he used his drill sergeant voice, Fanny chewed him out all day for 'disturbing the peace' and that 'he was too stoopid to be told a secret because he'd just yell it out like a moron one day'. He opted to prove her wrong.

"I just wanted some peace and quiet," he admitted and took a deep breath. "Rough last few days down in the frozen sticks."

"I heard about the cave-in," she said sheepishly and finished off the fruit. "Can't imagine what it's like being trapped down in the root system with all those screaming cadets."

He shrugged and savored his next swig of fizzy soda. "You get used to it. It's the tight space that gets you. And then when you dig your way out, you're so used to the small space that the outside world feels overwhelming."

"Ah..." When he lowered his glass, she had propped her chin on her hand and watched him intently with those inquisitive brown eyes of hers. All these years and she still had the curiosity of a green cadet.

"Do you want me to give you some space then? Acclimatize and all that good stuff?"

"Nah," he waved it off. And that was that. They sat comfortably in silence across from each other, enjoying their soda and the plush seats of the booth. The Sixth Era Supreme Leader certainly spared no expense building up this private bar.

A wandering thought hit him so well, he just had to say it aloud. "You're the Supreme Leader..."

"I am?" she teased, absently swirling her drink with a straw.

He fell for that pretty easy and smirked. "...you know all sorts of top secret stuff and all that nice junk us poor folk have no clue of."

She stuck her tongue out playfully. "Yeah, but I can't share it with anyone but myself. Kinda sucks. Why? You're not looking to get any important information out of me, are you?" her grin turned mischievous. "I'm obligated to turn you over on your head if you try to press me for it."

The idea of her little lithe form attempting to toss him into one of the booths (and probably succeeding) made him grin. "If you have to subdue me about _The Mocktail Spritz_ , then your top secret info leaves a lot to be desired, sir."

"You want information about _The Mocktail Spritz_?" she left her straw alone, interest peaked. "That's such an odd request. You know, it's tradition to come up with your own conclusions about the name if that's what you're itching about."

He made a face. "I'm a soldier. I'll leave the 'imagination' part to people like Numbuh 3."

Rachel watched him for a long moment. Then her gaze shifted to the tea candle between them and her voice seemed very far away.

" _Drinking soda is a right for everyone._ That was the credo of the boy who built this place," she recalled. "His Communications Officer, the girl he secretly loved, didn't think it was worth the risk distributing soda during the Fizz Prohibition."

"They fought constantly and, deciding that there was no end in sight, he retired early. The girl broke down weeks afterward, now shouldered with a responsibility no one wanted as Supreme Leader, and decided to tear all the bars in Moonbase down when she hit the peak of her stress."

Compelled by the story, Patton leaned forward. Even the quiet busy sounds from the bar seemed to have stopped. "And?"

"I'm getting there!" she snorted and started playing with her straw again. "When she reached this secret bar intending on closing it down once and for all, she found the only drinks she secretly enjoyed on every booth, glass bottles on every surface. She cried and couldn't bear to destroy what the boy she loved left behind."

"Mocktails and spritz?"

"Mhmm. Well, not the cheap stuff. They were rare foreign sodas outside of the US. That's why _The Mocktail Spritz_ is one of the few collectors of international fizzeries in the entire Solar System. The Supreme Leader knew this and collected it all in her honor. She upheld it to this day, inspired by his undying love."

Relaxed and a touch saddened by the story, he leaned back and tried to feign coolness. "Well, that was depressing. I was thinking maybe they picked the name because it sounded cool."

"It'd be more depressing if the story was actually true, yeah."

He spat out his soda and hastily tried to pat himself dry when it ended up all over his jacket. "What? You mean it's a _lie_?"

She shrugged, trying not to laugh. "Who knows. I told you that it's tradition to make up your own interpretation about _The_ _Mocktail Spritz_ , didn't I?"

"I was kinda hoping for something more like, I dunno, the _truth_?" he complained. "You had me feeling sorry for _imaginary_ people!"

"Yeah, no shiz. Did you forget that I was once a spy for the KND? The _best_ to boot?" she laughed when his jaw dropped. "Oh come on, admit it. I just got my drill sergeant!"

"Maybe. No one would ever believe you though," he raised his glass in toast anyways. Not to her little fibbing, but to that impish smile that brightened what was left of his dampened day.


	2. Dry Mint Ricqlès (with a bonus of Canada Dry)

As soon as he sat down, Rachel raised her communicator up, flipped it to the side, and blinded him with a flash of light.

"Ow!" he instinctively rubbed at his eyes. "You trying to decommission me or something?!"

She smiled apologetically and lowered the device. "Sorry! I'm trying out the _PICTOGRAM_ feature R &D came up with after _MySector_ and _Facemodule's_ coding leaked to the public."

" _PICTOGRAM_?" Patton raised an eyebrow and then sighed. Not another useless computer 'app' that was quickly becoming a favorite with the younger operatives. Why did everything have to become digital? What happened to things you can physically hold in your hand to talk to people like a _WHAT_ or talking shop directly with a person instead of reading it on someone's social media account?

Thank Zero for small favors. At least Rachel had not lowered herself sending him status updates of drink trivia through the extranet instead of meeting him personally.

" _PICTOGRAM_. Personnel Images Cross-Referenced To Operatives General RAM And Memory," she elaborated while examining her screen. "After Numbuh 66.4 turned traitor and leaked our social media coding, the adults completely stole our means of personal communication with the likes of _MySpace_ and _Facebook_."

He growled. "Yeah, I remember that slimeball. The creepazoid rounded me and a couple of cadets up back in the Academy. Said he had the formula for creating 'super soldiers'. Subjected us to all kinds of horrors."

Rachel nearly dropped her communicator into her drink. "I've never heard of that! Numbuh 100 allowed that to happen?!"

He raised up a lazy hand. "Easy there. Numbuh 100 wasn't in charge back then. Believe it or not, there _was_ a time where there were bad Supreme Leaders just as much as there were good ones. Don't really want to call out his codename if that means anything."

"At any rate," he continued before taking a swig of his soda. "66.4 was a freak of a scientist. He made us eat mutated veggies then turned the lights off to 'cure' the fear of the dark. There were only two girls in our 'squad'. One immediately cracked and dropped out after the first experiment. Such a shame. She knew her way around 2x4 tech. A real natural."

The bartender arrived with another round of drinks. It was Rachel's turn to pick out the flavor of the week; she called it a 'refreshing' French spritz that tasted like chewing on a mouthful of breath mints. Her recommendation was to sip it generously like a priss right _after_ he tried gargling it down like Pepsi and ended up igniting his throat with an ice cold sensation for his troubles.

Rachel quietly thanked the bartender and set the highball glasses down for a second round. He'll learn his lesson _this_ time.

"That sounds horrible, Patton. I didn't..." she was projecting again, he could already tell, always internally blaming herself for something that wasn't her fault.

"You weren't even a cadet back then, Rachel. Relax."

"I know that," she murmured and lightly swished the light gold fizz in her drink. "Is that why you hate technology so much?"

Patton bit the inside of his cheek. "I don't _hate_ it. Not really. 2x4 tech's is just as useful as your own fists and they go hand-and-hand to make a KND operative the best. It's just useless shiz I don't like. Like the _PICTOCRUD_."

She laughed. " _PICTOGRAM_! And it's plenty useful. It's equipped with specialized filters to enhance or single out particular points of interest in the image. It's perfect for KND Intelligence's arsenal. If I had this back when I was a spy, it would have made missions way more easier to complete. Here, look..."

The squishy seats in the booth shifted loudly when Rachel slid over until they bumped shoulder-to-shoulder. She raised the communicator above and flipped the settings so they could visibly line up for the camera. "Say _Kids Next Door Rules_!"

The words barely left his lips when the flash went off again. He spat out expletives that would make the Potty Mouth proud and he rubbed at his eyes again.

"Whoops," Rachel rubbed his shoulder with sympathy then rubbing her own eyes. "I'm sorry, I thought I turned off the flash that time."

"Yeah right," he snarked, blinking out the colored spots in his vision when she showed him a slanted picture of them. Rachel was grinning from ear-to-ear in the shot, but his mouth had been hanging open like an idiot trying to spell out _Kids Next Door Rules_. "Ugh, you better not upload that anywhere! Do another one."

"My, my. Who'd have thunk that Mr. Drill Sergeant was so photogenic?" she chuckled and squashed their sides together again for another shot, this time _without_ flash.

The second one was decent, but something was missing so they ended up making goofy faces or pretending to beat each other up when she put it in shutter mode.

"I like this one!" she said after browsing each shot. Patton finished off his drink before peering over her shoulder and smirked.

"Not bad." Arms slung around their necks, she had propped her communicator against the tea candle so they could show off their drinks before the image snapped. They both sported cheeky grins. "I like how you look like you're ready to fall over."

"And you look a million times better with a filter on!" she teased and sucked in her bottom lip, but it was too late. He already caught her pouting. "See this filter? It sharpens the image and gives it a more timeless look."

"That's ridiculous," Patton rolled his eyes and shook his head. "How's that improving KND work?"

She stuck her tongue out at him. "So R&D got a little excited messing with filters. Doesn't always have to be work all the time. I just want... hmm..." Gazing fondly at the picture, she got Patton worried when she smiled sadly. "Maybe I'm just scared a bit. I want a few memories. I know I'm going to lose them in the end, but..."

"Rachel..." he began quietly, but he really didn't know what to say to that except well, _stopping_ her from thinking about bad things. "Alright, alright. You may have a point with this pictogram nonsense. Print me a copy of that. _Physical_. You know I can't do much with my communicator aside from calling if you try to send it to me."

Her dark expression disappeared and was quickly replaced with that typical beam that stirred lesser operatives into action. "Aye, aye! You should totally frame it and stick it on your desk in Arctic Base!"

"You just love the idea of making my cadets think I'm some kind of softy, don't you?" he accused.

"Yeah, pretty much." She raised her glass to him. "You _ARE_ a giant softy!"

"As if!"

At the very least, no teen would have any use for their _PICTOGRAM_ nonsense, so that kind of worked in their favor. Seriously, who would try to steal something from them already invented like _taking pictures_?

* * *

"They called it _Instagram_!" Rachel growled one day and slammed her fists on the table. It shook violently enough to startle him. "Can you believe they stole our tech?! _AGAIN?!_ "

"Now I do," he grumbled, stealing back his folder of recruit applications from the table before his quivering drink sloshed all over it. "It's _Facebook_ all over again. I told you these extranet ideas were no good to us!"

Rachel folded her arms and loudly ordered a _Canada Dry_ for her upset stomach, flopping down onto her regular seat with a huff. She had dealt with so much paperwork over the ridiculous leak, it was physically taking a toll on her. "Someone's sabotaging us from the inside, but this time Intelligence has an idea who. Numbuh 2 actually emailed me offering a way to expose them."

"Oh?" While he couldn't wrap his head around coding or hacking, Patton did appreciate a battle whether it was with fists or wits.

"Remember when our extranet video streaming was copied? _YouBranch_? Well, we've decided to put our best scientists' heads together and purposefully shorten adult attention spans with something like that. The program is designed so that you can only record video for a few seconds and thereby making a fad out of extremely short videos. Numbuh 2's already coding in the details."

Patton wrinkled his nose. "Well that sounds stupid. How could you get adults to limit themselves like that?"

"They like challenges," she pointed out smugly, "so we're giving it to them. It'll be on every smartphone by the end of the month. They'll be so impatient watching longer videos that we'll successfully take back _YouTube_ without a hitch. We're calling it Operation: _VINE_."

Suffice to say, the adults didn't even bother changing the name this time.


	3. Sussex Golden on the Rocks

"Remember Squad Oasis? When you hauled me out of that avalanche and gave me mouth-to-mouth?"

The question caused the soda fizz to fly into his nose. Patton coughed and sputtered, thumping at his chest with a gloved fist trying to get the liquid out of the wrong windpipe before turning incredulously to his Supreme Commander. "A-are... what... what brought that on? Out of all the random things..."

Rachel didn't seem embarrassed at all. Instead she took a sip of her drink like she was just talking about the non-existent weather on Moonbase than the time where he unnecessarily kissed her trying to put air into lungs that already had it. The aftermath was a memory he would be glad to get rid of on the day of his decommissioning.

She waited patiently for him to stop coughing before continuing. "Just girl things, I suppose. I can't help but hear what my operatives say."

He began to panic. "About the...?" There weren't any operatives around the darkened parlor, but it was instinct that made him look around before indulging in private information. "Listen, it happened, I freaked out, and I don't know why people are still talking about something that happened years ago!"

"Oh, no. They weren't talking about the incident," she smirked at him and played with her drink a bit. "They were talking about their first kisses. Did you know Numbuh 86 had her first kiss when she was _six_? Some boy kissed her on the swing so he could push her off and take it."

"Didn't know, but thanks for the mental image," Patton muttered bitterly. Fanny always gave him a hard time whenever he visited Moonbase. Said he 'coddled' their Supreme Leader too much, whatever that meant. How many times did he have the chance to leave his ice block of a base to share a soda with an old friend anyways?

Rachel placed her reddened cheek on the polished wood. She was such a lightweight depending on the soda. Kicking back pure Russian Seltzer she had no problem with but forget it if you give her something that actually tasted delicious. After that only Zero himself could pry her off of it.

He thought it was pretty cute when she got that way. It was a rare glimpse of her letting her hair down when she wasn't talking about embarrassing crud like kisses or whatever.

"Where was I?" she asked her reflection.

"I really don't want to remind you," he said with a grumble before returning to his _Sussex Golden_. "I know that 86 made out with that caveman of an operative with the girly hair. I'm just glad I wasn't there to see it."

Rachel smiled impishly. "Jealous?"

"Boy-haters aren't exactly my type. Comes with the territory of being a boy, I suppose," His drink was getting flat, so he ordered another one from the lone barkeeper that didn't stick his nose into anyone's business. One day he'll have to know the guy's story if he had any. "Can we talk about something _boring_? All this personal talk is giving me a rash."

"Typical boy," she teased, the heat of her breath fogging the polished surface. "I guess we can talk about the enlightening job of dividing the hamster pellet ledgers I've been filing all day..."

He picked up his new drink, paused, then sighed in defeat. "Right. You were talking about kisses?"

The tips of her fingers started to draw shapes from the fogged up surface, which mildly caught his attention before she spoke up. "So I'm sitting on my throne listening to my girls gossip-"

"Slow day, no doubt," he snorted.

"...and it got me thinking. Almost all of these girls were my age and they had some kind of meaningful first kiss. _Does mouth-to-mouth count_ , I wondered while sitting on my high throne. Because the only time I could think of was during the avalanche."

Girls were weird, he decided. Even perfect Supreme Leaders like Rachel couldn't escape the female bug. He wasn't sure whether he could count that as a good or a bad thing. Maybe both.

The light blush on his face couldn't have been from the soda. He was only on his fourth glass. "I don't think that counts as a first kiss," he admitted, making it his own personal mission not to look her in the eye. "I thought you needed air that time."

"You're probably right," Her movement was sluggish when she righted herself up and stared at the taps. "I dunno. Maybe I'm too busy. It's always been KND first. I feel like... I'm missing out on things. I mean, even _Numbuh 1_ had the time to get a girlfriend! What's that say about me?"

"Just means you got your priorities right," he answered confidently. "I don't have time for things like that. Neither do you. I got the bottom base to take care of and you've got up top. Besides, KND relationships never last long. You either have to deal with choosing the mission over your partner or forgetting them when you're decommissioned. What kind of life is that anyways?"

Rachel sighed in defeat. "You're right. It wouldn't be fair to anyone. I'm just..." _Lonely sometimes._

The silence stretched, but it was oddly comforting. He voiced what was on his mind the entire time. "I wouldn't want the memory of your first kiss to be on that day, Rachel. I don't want to remember that day at all."

"I know."

It had been a freak accident, one that came from youth and arrogance training his first set of cadets ever. His superior called it in; a rookie scientist accidentally caused an impending avalanche, but Patton had been confident that his cadets could outwit it as a training exercise.

The task had been too much for either of them and the snow kept rolling and rolling until the _glacier_ it was falling from snapped from the weight. That was when he ordered an emergency retreat when snow, ice, and rock literally covered the sky.

He remembered them catching the tail end of the avalanche and little else. The first thing he remembered afterwards was digging out of the snow with his bare hands and inhaling the thick frozen air into his burning lungs. Most of his cadets ended up safely trenched beneath a sharp cliff face and missed most of the snow. Others weren't so lucky.

That was when he caught a glimpse of a stupid ugly boot sticking out of the stark snow that, if he didn't see it, Rachel wouldn't have ever been found.

He had panicked, dug her unconscious body out, and started to scream and freak out when he thought she was dead. All of his training to work cool under pressure was worth nothing when he had cost someone their life.

It was at that moment, when he instinctively pressed her bluish lips against his out of desperation to trade his own life back into his favorite cadet, did he truly grow up as a drill sergeant.

Rachel's whimsical words brought him out of the cold and back into _The Mocktail Spritz_ where the temperature was comfortably neutral like the rest of Moonbase. "Imagine opening your eyes and finding your drill sergeant kissing you though. I couldn't look at you properly for weeks!"

"The feeling was mutual," he shook his head at the bartender when Rachel was pawing for another round. She had this habit of speaking gibberish after too much sugar. At least, at this point, he can understand her. "Stop that."

Rachel pouted, then saluted lazily, scooting over on her bar stool to lean against his side. "Aye aye, drill sergeant, sir."

Her head was starting to lull against his shoulder, but he was too busy dredging up the courage of his next words to pay attention. "If you wanted a proper first kiss, just ask next time."

She had already drifted off to sleep, unaware that she was the living breathing reason why he cared about all of his cadets; why to this very day, he went beyond the call of duty to protect them until they were ready to fly on their own.

Patton caught a glimpse of the palm tree Rachel had been drawing on the table before the fog evaporated. With a grim stare befitting a soldier, he wrapped a protective arm around her shoulders and waited for it to disappear along with the memory. It couldn't go fast enough.


	4. Banana Milkis Float

Rachel was humming the Doctor Time Space theme song when she escaped Numbuh 65.3 for _The Mocktail Spritz_ and found Patton sleeping at the bar. She clicked her tongue in annoyance. No doubt he over-drank the fizz again!

"Alright, how many root beers did he drink and do I have to call a medic again?" she asked the only employee ever.

The bartender noticed her, nodded in respect, and then continued his single-minded mission to wipe down the already spotless counter. "Supreme Drill Sergeant Numbuh 60 ordered a _Banana Milkis Float_ , but fell asleep before I could finish his order."

"Daww..." she smiled fondly at the way Patton snored into his folded arms. "Poor guy. He must've had a long day with the yearly KND Anniversary," Still, he was technically on the clock, so Rachel reluctantly walked over and started to shake his shoulder. "Patton?"

He responded with a groan before falling silent again.

" _Patton_..." she warned which earned her another groan and a slight shake of his shoulders in the hopes of her going away. Pressing a finger to her lips urging the bartender to keep silent, Rachel leaned as far as she could for her lips to reach his covered ear and yelled, "INTRUDER ALERT! ALL KND PERSONNEL TO THE BRIDGE!"

With a snap up, Patton bonked her on the nose falling backwards off his bar stool and onto the polished marble floor. "WHO-WHAT! ON MY WAY! WAIT! WHERE...!"

"Why and how?" she whined, tears prickling in the corners of her eyes as she rubbed at her sore nose. Instant regret hit her as soon as she saw how dark the rings under his eyes were. "Ah! Okay, I'm really sorry for that! There's no alarm, I swear!" He was already trying to cling to her seat, hoping to protect his Supreme Leader from the invisible threat of nothing at all in his sluggish state. "I'm serious! I was just trying to wake you up!"

It took him a good few seconds to gain his bearings and letting reason override his instincts before his glare turned into a weary blink and he returned to his seat. "Ugh... you could have done it _nicely_."

"Oh you mean like soft whispers and kissing you awake like mommies do to daddies when they're not angry?" she teased once the pain ebbed away. "Because I only did _half_ of that."

That got his attention. "Which one?" he blushed.

" _You'll never know_ ," she singsonged, wiped the tears from her eyes, and turned to the bartender. " _Banana Milkis Float_ please. And an extra shot of vanilla for the soldier. That should do the trick."

Patton eyed her carefully. "Did I hurt you on the way down?"

"You got me on the nose yeah," she chuckled and rubbed the cartilage there. "I could technically throw you into the brig for that!" Never mind that it was her fault in the first place. She smiled to appease the horrified look on his face. "I kid, I kid."

He groaned and slammed his forehead against the counter. "Sorry. Zero, I feel like crud." That was what happens when a KND operative didn't get their daily intake of excessive sugar, one that was entirely Sector V's fault.

As Supreme Leader, it was Rachel's solemn duty to make sure her soldiers were well fueled and active for any possible attack. She slid the creamy float in his direction. "Drink before your sugar levels drop again, Patton. So, how was the yearly KND Anniversary?"

"You mean the spectacular fail Sector V did trying to turn the Grand Canyon into a giant cereal bowl?" he moaned in relief as soon as he got a hold of the straw and sucked up sweet sweet sugar.

Rachel tried not laugh at the memory of receiving that mission report earlier. "Yeah, I heard about that. On the plus side, we did get some villains out of it!"

"I was up since 0400 helping secure the perimeter! Do you know how early _0400_ is?!"

"4AM?" she egged with a devilish grin.

" _4-CRUDDY-AM!_ That's earlier than most Academy wake-up calls! And it all went down the toilet. _LITERALLY!_ " The more he drank, the more empowered his voice became. "I was so mad I joined a lynch mob after the Toiletnator and Sector V. Never felt so hungry in my entire life!"

She shook her head in mild exasperation. "I told you guys to grab a snack before leaving. Do you know how much Rainbow Munchies cereal it would take to fill up the Grand Canyon? Like a kamillion pounds of the stuff! But it's really too bad. I was halfway into the shuttle when I heard the event was foiled by the _Toiletnator_. I thought you guys were just playing a joke on me with that!"

"Pretty sure Sector V's the one licking their wounds thinking about it now," Patton smirked into his glass. "We had the Toiletnator on the run. He tried sneaking in, but Numbuh 4 ordered him sent to a bobcat den before I could turn him away. Bet he regrets that even if it was pretty funny," A thought occurred to him. "Hey, aren't you doing damage control? Before I could even get my foot in the elevator, you ordered a _Code Sloppy_ on the intercoms."

Rachel lifted up her straw and started mixing the ice cream into her soda which made Patton want to gag. Nothing good came of turning soda into a _smoothie_. "That was hours ago. Pretty sure everyone's grabbed something to snack on before dinner. Ever see a bee colony swarm in one place? That was what the cafeteria looked like."

He had a feeling that would happen as soon as everyone whined and moaned their way back to Moonbase. Numbuh Spare-Change-for-a-$20 already looked like he was bracing himself for impact by the time Patton thought better and walked away before he ended up squashed into a pancake by hungry operatives.

With a snort, he lifted up his drink, glad he made a beeline (get it?) for _The Mocktail Spritz_ instead. He only wished they served food instead of just soda all the time. "Happy Anniversary to us, Global Supreme Commander."

"Happy Cruddy Anniversary, Supreme Drill Sergeant," she said soberly and clicked her glass with his, "and a Happy Anniversary to you too, Numbuh Jarvis!"

The bartender smiled and politely bowed to her. "Happy Anniversary indeed, Global Supreme Commander, sir."

"Wait, hold the _WHAT_ ," Patton gaped and dropped his drink. "What kind of codename is _Numbuh Jarvis?!_ "

Rachel laughed while Numbuh Jarvis absently returned to his cleaning with a mild professional smile.


	5. Baikal on the Rocks

Patton had been unpacking the ice his team dug up from the Arctic landscape for the _The Mocktail Spritz's_ diminishing stock when Rachel arrived like clockwork for their weekly drink meet up.

"You cursed in Russian without a translator," she half-greeted, half-accused.

The pure clear ice block was heavy and sinking into his arms, but he couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at her before nearly dropping it on the Number Jarvis' shiny black shoes. "Hello to you too, Supreme Leader, sir."

She moved quickly, securing the other end of the giant block when she saw him struggle with it and together managed to heave it to the secret back room where the ice box was in desperate need of succor. Maneuvering it took way too long due to its size so Patton reminded himself to give his ice pickers a stern shout down about the laziness of shoddy ice cutting.

Rachel's teeth started to chatter when they set the block down and she immediately started to dust away the ice from her reddened hands.

Patton frowned. "Need a medic?"

" _Seriously?_ You worry too much." Instead she accepted a warm wet towel from the grateful bartender and hissed when she dabbed it on her freezing fingers when they took their usual seats at the farthest booth. "I know I'm Supreme Leader, but I've had a malfunctioning _FRAPPE_ gun blow up in my face before. Way worse."

He lifted his palms up in surrender. "I can't help it. You're our delicate little pencil-pusher and I need those hands ready to sign off on some very important request forms for more _SKEEBIKEs_ next quarter."

Her jaw dropped incredulously. "What happened to the dozen of them I shipped off last month?!"

"Two words," he raised two fingers. "Cadet training."

"Maybe you should use ' _less vehicles_ ' in your drills," she said in a deadpan and raised two of her still shiny red fingers. As for him, thank Zero for gloves. She suddenly shot her head up. "About that Russian thing..."

"I knew this was going to pop up one day. I just knew it." Their drinks were put on hold for now until the ice machine finished restarting. It was really unfortunate, because he had an inkling feeling he was going to need it.

She set the rag down and met his uncomfortable eyes with her own kind ones. "Hey, you don't have to explain if you don't want to, big guy. I was just curious."

Just like that, it was like he could tell her anything. She had that kind of effect on people. It made her a popular Supreme Leader for it. He rubbed the back of his neck for a moment and watched the bartender work on their drinks in order to get a hold of himself. "It's no one's business about my personal life, but you're the exception. You know that."

He knew she was beaming by that tell-tale soft hum she makes when she witnessed something cute, but he refused to see for himself. Otherwise, he'd be a pile of goop on the floor alongside the melting ice in the storage room. "My mom's a total American soldier, born and raised. Her dad and gramps before that, they were all war heroes. Fought in every American war."

"Naturally," she teased. "I expected nothing less from a _Drilovsky_. Er... I think? No wait, that's Russian?"

"It's a really long story so I'll shorten it before you snooze," he teased back. "My dad's the same. The Drilovsky men are as hard as you can get as soldiers except they were Russian and well... there's a reason it was called the _Cold War._ "

Rachel sat her cheek onto her palm. "How ironic for you then."

"Anyway, my mom wasn't allowed on the front lines because she was a girl, so they stuck her in espionage. Worst right?" Rachel grinned and he continued. "She spent her time as a spy for the American government keeping an eye on the prize near the end of the Cold War. That being my _dad_ of course. I guess Russia wasn't as fun as America because it was really easy for her to tell him how great her country was. They got chummy, he wanted to marry her, and she turned him down because she wanted to marry an American man. When the war ended and she left for America he dropped everything to follow her and got his citizenship. You can see where this is going."

Her sly smiles were always contagious. "He couldn't resist your military-grade gorgeous super-spy of a mom, could he? Sounds like one of those romantic novels my gran enjoys reading."

"Yeah yeah," he dismissed with a grin of his own. "Well no reasonable girl could withstand the manly charm of a Drilovsky. Not with these guns!" He flexed one of his biceps which earned a slow clap from his superior despite the heavy jacket rendering the whole act moot.

"Easy there big guy," she said playfully. "I've seen what you looked like as an old man."

He flinched and tried to recover. "You weren't very easy on the eyes yourself," he shot back. "You _sagged_."

She sputtered and covered her chest out of instinct. "W-well, you went in your pants!"

He laughed nervously, disguising is mild PTSD about that horrific event with humor. "Keep that down, would you? I don't want the long line of girls outside my office to _shorten_."

Rachel burst out laughing. "You sure that's not from all the demerits you hand out? You've got the worst track record writing up demerits in the entire seventh age!"

He resisted the urge to stick his tongue out. "I play to win. No wimp's getting graduated under _my_ watch."

"Maybe that's why I spoil your frozen butt so much. You do deliver on great operatives." The drinks finally arrived and, with a lazy toast to the lack of lazy operatives under their command, took a well deserved drink.

"So your dad taught you Russian then?" she asked, bringing the conversation full circle.

Patton shrugged. "I only take what he offers. Most of it is from him cursing. Did spend some of my summers with my grandparents in Moscow whenever we had the money to do it, so I did pick up the essentials." Judging by the eager look on her face, his lips twitched. "You want me to talk to you in Russian, don't you?"

"Yes please!" she leaned forward, her expression playful and dreamy, and the years of knowing her fascination with foreign languages almost made him want to kick himself. He should have told her sooner if this was the response he was getting: pure interest.

He internally preened before delivering on her wish. _"I just realized you don't even know what I'm saying now,"_ he purred to her in Russian. _"I could call you all sorts of names or insult you and you'd still smile. I won't of course. I'd never really insult you."_

Her shoulders hitched at the unfamiliar accent and words that should never naturally come out of Patton's mouth the longest she knew him, but the way she beamed at him said it all. "Jeez, Numbuh 60!" she playfully fanned at herself. "Don't reveal to anyone that you can speak a foreign language. You'll ruin my Moonbase when the girls start charging after you!"

 _"Sorry,"_ he continued in his father's foreign tongue. _"Nah, I'm not sorry. I don't like speaking Russian anyways. But you asked and it's really hard to say no to you. I wonder why."_

"You're insulting me, aren't you?" Rachel laughed. "It sounds like you're insulting me!"

Patton raised an eyebrow. " _No. Cutie pie._ AH-HA!" She had instantly blushed at the words, confirming his suspicions. "Couldn't catch me this time, could you? Of course you could understand Russian, you sneaky espionage agent you!"

That impish smile returned. " _Okay you caught me. Just the major languages though. My specialization in Intelligence training was acting as an omniglot. I hated it because they'd always use me as a guinea pig updating the KND translators. Helped credit a lot of foreign diplomacy missions at least. Probably why I was recommended for the Supreme Leader position in the first place. I can yell REALLY well._ "

A thought hit him that made him grin. "We should talk in complete Russian one day in front of Numbuh 86. She'd probably go insane!"

Rachel let out a bark of laughter. "Give her a nickname in Russian. She'd hate that!"

"I'll call her _Котенок_ every once in awhile just so she'd think her translator got messed up. Don't you think it fits, _Зайка_?"

She ducked her head and tried not to blush.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Котенок [ko'tenok] - Kitten (probably because Fanny's got the temperament of one)
> 
> Зайка [zajka] - Bunny (named as a play on the Japanese rabbit on the moon)


	6. Tangerine Tanora Shots

"You have ter listen ter me!" Fanny shrieked angrily. "I am your superior officah!"

"This isn't a sign measuring contest!" Patton snarled at her. "This is a battle of attrition! We need precision and skill if we want to win this!" He reeled back and showed Fanny his teeth when she poked him hard on the chest.

"AND I SAY WE HIT THEM AS HARD AS WE CAN AND SHOW THEM WHO'S BOSS!"

He smacked her hand away and lifted his stick for his next move. "We don't have time to argue!"

Rachel sighed and rested her cheek on the end of her tang stick. "This is the _last_ time we play shuffleboard with you two on the same team."

"My thoughts exactly," Nigel grumbled.

After a measured complaint about the lack of games in _The Mocktail Spritz_ , Rachel allowed the installation of a very impressive shuffleboard area near the back of bar, replacing the giant ugly watercolor painting of a Rainbow Monkey that used to hang there.

It was a worthy trade-off with the KND Museum. They kept the 'art' and the old wooden shuffleboard they had was refurbished for their amusement. In fact, it looked _new_.

"It was really nice of Numbuh 5 to restore the shuffleboard. She really outdone herself this time!" Rachel smiled pleasantly at Nigel and gazed at the polished wood and clear white markings. She could even see her reflection on it!

Nigel nodded proudly, disregarding Patton and Fanny's heated argument to admire the board himself. "Numbuh 5's a closet artist. Don't tell anyone, but she's been working on a top secret art piece made of macaroni for the museum. If it's anything like the others she's made, it'll be another piece of history deserving of the KND legacy!"

"Cool!" she beamed. They had been exaggerating this kind of stilted conversation for awhile now, hoping it would be infectious enough to stop the other two from ruining what was supposed to be a relaxing game after a long day of work. In fact, in exchange for restoring the shuffleboard, Abby _begged_ Rachel to drag Nigel to a game at least once a week lest he killed himself working so much.

And of course, this was Fanny's first time in _The Mocktail Spritz_ now that she was promoted high enough for clearance.

Rachel shot Nigel a warning look when he pulled out his communicator to check on his mission specs. She confiscated the item and handed him a shot of _Tanora_ instead. "Stop that. Drink, enjoy the game."

"What game?" he drawled, but nevertheless topped the dark fizz in one gulp and slammed the glass back down. "We haven't even finished the first round!"

With another sigh, she gave the other two her Supreme Leader voice. "Will you guys hurry up and make your move before we turn _thirteen_?!"

Despite Fanny 'encouraging' Patton to hit the other team's discs, he opted for his own strategy and managed to knock out Rachel's place on the score 7 at the cost of his disk landing on the OFF area, losing his team points in the process. Rachel hissed through her teeth and covered her ears when Fanny jeered, expecting this.

"What I told ya, stoopid boy?! That's why GIRLS are always better at games! Ye dunna listen ter good advi-!"

"SHUT UP!" Patton snarled, at his last nerve. He nearly broke his stick in half. "SHUT! UP!"

Nigel nervously cleared his throat and started tugging at his collar. "How about another round of shots, guys? Maybe take a break from the game...?"

Fanny was momentarily stunned, but she recovered and started to bite back. "Ye dunna get ter talk ter me that way! I am the Global Tactical Officah!"

"No, you're a basket case with a title you don't deserve!" Patton growled. "I'm sick of your boy-hating mis... misand...!"

"Misandry?" Rachel said weakly despite Nigel making slash motions across his throat to stop her.

Patton glanced at her before glaring down at Fanny. The way he gripped the stick was worrisome. It looked like he was ready to attack her with it. "This isn't the Girls Next Door, Fulbright! It's the _KIDS_ Next Door! You got a problem with boys, do us a favor and get your butt decommissioned! Spare us your cruddy attitude!"

Nigel whistled lowly after Fanny turned bright red and just as they expected her to attack Patton, she instead stormed into the girls bathroom, angry and hurt. Rachel shot Patton a pitied look. "Patton..."

"Please don't tell me you're taking her side!" Patton demanded. "You wouldn't stand and let a _girl_ get insulted by a boy but it's okay for a _Global Tactical Officer_ to do it?"

"You know that's not true, Numbuh 60! Are you telling me you're questioning my ability to command?"

He hesitated for a moment, knowing he was going to shoot himself in the foot with this, but unable to stop himself. "When you promoted Numbuh 86? Yeah."

She said nothing in return, leaving Nigel looking and feeling awkward about the current breakdown of gigantic proportions while his commanders had some sort of weird staring contest. Eventually Rachel seemed to have found what she was looking for and wordlessly walked away.

"Where are you going?" Nigel asked aloud, but he got his answer when she pushed open the door to the girls bathroom.

"It's not obvious?" she said coldly over her shoulder before disappearing into the small room. "I'm doing what a Supreme Leader does: taking care of business. For Zero's sake... we can't even have one relaxing night, can we? Oh, no siree! Everyone has to be bullheaded for the sake of being bullheaded! You're all putting me into an early decommissioning, I can _feel_ it!" She continued that bitter tirade long after the door shut, but her words still reverberated, if not muffled.

Numbuh Jarvis politely slid a bowl of food in the boys' direction. "Peanuts?"

* * *

Nigel ordered another round of _Tanora_ anyways while the girls were indisposed the last half hour and kept Patton company. From the way Rachel glared down at them, it was obvious she was ordering them not to leave the area.

"So..." Nigel cleared his throat. "What finally got _Brick Wall_ Numbuh 60 to cave? Numbuh 86 is annoying, but you really didn't pull your punches this time."

 _Brick Wall_. He hadn't heard that nickname in two years. Tipping back the black shot, he revealed something he never told anyone aside from Rachel. "It's my fault she's acting like a total nutball. I tried to fix it."

"Really?"

Patton nodded gravely. "Girls get picked on a lot in the Academy. You know that first hand. Both sides think the other's gross and icky. Comes with the territory when you train them young."

He picked up another shot and examined it thoughtfully now that the soda was dulling his senses. "Numbuh 86 was one of the more delicate recruits. Girly, sensitive, easy to insult and she just poof! Instant tears. But she had potential like the rest of you so I wasn't gonna let her quit the Academy over a couple of morons. I told her that no one should stop her from becoming great. If she fought back, they'd step down and leave her alone.

"Eventually," he continued after another shot, "we usually weed out the brats before graduation and life as an operative is more equal between boys and girls. Somewhere along the way, she really skewed what I said. And that really cheeses me off."

Nigel hummed with understanding and, like a true gent, slid Patton another shot. " _Wow_."

"Yup. _Wow_ ," he murmured bitterly before tossing the glass back.

Rachel returned a few minutes later with Fanny shuffling behind. "I see you boys helped yourself to my tab. Good. Everyone needed to blow off steam."

"I see we're getting everything sorted out now?" Nigel raised an eyebrow. "I don't think it'll be good having a fractured command structure over _shuffleboard_."

"It's a little more than just shuffleboard, Nigel, but I understand your viewpoint. I'm getting all three of them from you guys actually," She turned. "Numbuh 86, you know what we talked about. It's time you accept your promotion gracefully and tell them what you're going to do to better yourself with the extra responsibility."

Fanny scuffed the floor a bit with her shoe. "Aye..." she started, her voice strained. "I still think boys are stoopid."

"Fanny..." Rachel warned.

"Alright, alright. They're stoopid, but they are fellow operatives. And, as their Global Tactical Officah, they're depending on me. So, as long as I'm second-in-command, I won't let my feelings interfere with my job. On and off duty."

Rachel sighed and shrugged helplessly. "That's as good as we're gonna get then. Now apologize to Patton."

"It's fine," Patton said dismissively. "So long as she's doing her job, I don't care about apologies."

Fanny let out a sigh of relief.

"Let's just promise to never play shuffleboard together again," Nigel quipped. "Or at least do it when we don't have a giant soda bar to ourselves."

True to his word they didn't return to play shuffleboard. Instead they played a couple rounds of root beer pong until Fanny ended up passed out on the shuffleboard deck and Nigel had to be escorted by security to sleep off his sugar rush in the bunks lest he ended up driving and land on Mars or something.

The last two ended up where they've always been: in their usual booth sipping away at ginger ale to take the edge off of the shots.

"Tharry," Patton slurred out and spread his arms drunkenly over the back of the squishy booth. He had his boots kicked up on the table, but Numbuh Jarvis didn't seem to mind. "I fudged up yer... yer party."

Nursing her glass of sparkling white fizz, Rachel accepted his apology by scooting against his side and patted him on the knee. "S'fine cuz you're right. If I... If I had been a good Supreme Person, I would haf told F-fa- _Penny_ to chill out. I didn't. My fault."

"Hey! HEY!" he moved his arm and relaxed his palm on the top of her head. "Yer a GREAT Soopreme Person! I'ma the meathead. Jarhead. Somethin'. Don' take me seriously..."

Rachel took a deep breath and sipped her drink. "Shup. I'll do better tomorrow... and tomorrow... and tomorrow..."

"You shup..." he murmured and lightly messed her hair. "You can't be better. Cuz... you're already the _best_."


End file.
